Harlots Parlour

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Our Julie, the little madam that she is, has another article in Comment is Free in the Guardian. This time she is complaining that the pro sex lobby are sexing up the numbers of women who buy sex to make the sex industry more palatable.

Well unpalatable though it may be for Julie B and her colleagues the truth is that women do buy sex and in surprisingly large numbers. The fact that women buy sex has been largely ignored, probably because women buy sex differently to men.
Men prefer the anonymity of paying for a sexual service because they do not want any complications. Men really don’t pay for the sex but rather for a sex worker to go away. The sex industry that caters for men is very visible, voyeuristic, simple and in your face and therefore an easy target.
Sex for sale to women is much more subtle, much harder to denigrate in simplistic and emotional terms; but it is still sex for sale.

Few women, as Julie Bindel observe purchase sex as blatantly as men, but just because the language used and the mechanics of the purchase is different does not alter the fact that a financial interaction is taking place.
Perhaps cultural and societal pressure is responsible for the different etiquettes involved when women purchase sex. More research still has to be done.
Anyone who travels abroad however for example must be aware of the large numbers of single women who travel alone or in groups to liaise with younger men. It is an unspoken secret for example that many European women on holiday in Turkey openly expect solicitation from young men. These men accept money and gifts in return for a faux relationship or “arrangement” that almost always involves sex.
These arrangements, either at home or abroad, share the pretence of a romance. This pretence is very much a part of the service offered and expected. Different rules of etiquette involved within the structure of these faux relationships may make them less noticeable, more acceptable but also perhaps a little less honest than a sexual exchange between a female sex worker and a male client.
They are still however a financial exchange where both parties know what is expected.

Women who are perhaps, divorced, widowed or separated and who have financial independence are now able to make choices about their lives which they were once denied. Financial independence facilitates greater sexual freedom and allows women to buy sexual choices.
Financial and sexual independence is no longer the reserve of men or a very few privileged women.
Just as middle aged, married men appear to make up the majority of purchasers of sexual services from female and male sex workers it now seems that it is middle aged women who are flexing their financial muscle and independence by purchasing sexual services from younger men.
Perhaps the fact that younger women are too busy with families or find it easy to pick up men explains their apparent absence from the plane loads of mainly middle aged women heading off for sexual adventures, or among those women who organise regular private sessions at home with their tennis coach; who knows?
Perhaps this seeming anomaly will change as younger women also become increasingly financially independent and flex that financial muscle by buying sexual encounters with different types of men to match their different moods or fantasies.
What is certain is that claims that the sex industry is the preserve of predatory men and evidence of male oppression of women is no longer valid. Women are equally capable of being sexual predators and women do purchase sexual services from other women and men. The market they purchase from may be more subtle, less in your face but it exists and perhaps a little like the ice berg that sank the titanic the more research is carried out the more people will open their eyes to see what is really happening and then; so called feminists like Julie Bindel will have to revaluate their rhetoric and anti sex work groups their research.

About Douglas Fox

23 comments on “WOMEN DO BUY SEX

  1. Callboy
    24 August, 2010

    Thanks for this peace. *I love the new blog layout*

  2. Madam Becky
    24 August, 2010

    Good blog as always, with some interesting points.

    I’ve noticed a big change in the sex industry over the last few years, which saw more ladies visiting my working flats with husbands and partners as well as booking for outcalls. We provided gay male escorts for men mainly, but there was never the volume of calls we’d get for the ladies.
    We had ladies buy gift vouchers for other ladies at work for a massage with a happy ending. They came and went quite happily!

    Madam Becky

  3. GerryB
    24 August, 2010

    Do you really believe that “men really don’t pay for the sex but rather for a sex worker to go away.”?

    I’m hoping this was an off-the-cuff throwaway comment used to bookend your article. Otherwise it’s a pretty clumsy way to describe the convenient purchasability of sex by men, that entirely misses the ‘sex’ part of ‘paying for sex’.

  4. Tuppy Owens
    24 August, 2010

    I would just like to add the fact that many of the disabled women I’ve talked to on the subject of sex workers say that they would love to hire a professional who “knows what they are doing” and can help them reach their full erotic potential. However, few take this step, out of fear and I suspect a lack of self esteem. However, the next issue of Community Care is doing a follow-up to their discussion on disabled people using Direct Payments to pay for sex workers, will include an interview with a disabled woman who did pay for sex and was very happy with the result. She paid by doing his secretarial work. She had never been able to enjoy pain-free intercourse but the sex worker taught her.
    I don’t think disabled men pay for sex workers to go away. Many disabled men tell me that they don’t want to pay for sex because what they seek is affection and love, but then they pay for sex out of desperation.
    The TLC-Trust.org.uk website welcomes more sex workers who want to work with disabled clients.
    Love, Tuppy

  5. david Miles
    24 August, 2010

    This woman is incredible. She is totally obsesed with prostitution. She must wake up every morning thinking about it. The only other subject that she seems to write about is male violence. Her head must be a very unhappy place. All that bile, all that frustration. Poor thing. I wonder how see can relax at all. I bet in the bedroom she wears the strap on.

    • Megan
      24 August, 2010

      In the bedroom? Ms. Bindel is what she calls a “political lesbian”, so I’m highly doubtful that there’s much “in the bedroom” for her at all…

      Also, in her defence, she’s got a three-track mind instead of just a two track one – she likes to write about how horrible teh evol trans people are, too.

    • Maxine Doogan
      24 August, 2010

      Yes her obsexxion is really interesting. She has to hate on women, her own kind as victims and than spend all the this time on violent men. And then she has to write about it in a public way. So yes it just her fetish and now its her religion to behave in this discriminatory way of shame based sex negative head speak and public space. The media is show casing her fetish because it makes for good copy and sells their publication. One has to ask who is getting paid for what here.

  6. Sina
    24 August, 2010

    I think some men pay me to have an uncomplicated evening, aka i leave after that. but i wouldn’t say they’re the majority

    @ David, nothing wrong with wearing a strap-on..

  7. shyguy
    24 August, 2010

    I wonder if the number of women who buy sex is around the same as the number of women who buy porn? People thought that women will never accept porn but now 40% of the porn fan base/audience are female and it’s increasing. I guess the more women get open minded about sex especially sex work the more acceptable it will become.

  8. Douglas Fox
    24 August, 2010

    “Do you really believe that “men really don’t pay for the sex but rather for a sex worker to go away.”? ”

    I used this “idea” to emphasise that most commercial sexual encounters between men and sex workers either male or female, is a much more blunt interaction in which a service is paid for. This is in contrast to many but not all women who expect the pretence of a relationship as part of the package they purchase. The examples I emphasised in this short article were sex tourists who often like to flirt with the pretence of a holiday romance while being perfectly aware that they are paying for a service.
    I am of course speaking in general terms. Every instance is unique.

    I know personally that in 11 years there are probably only a handful of clients who have wanted a friendship/relationship, and this is true of regular clients as well as one off.

    Disabled clients are a slightly different situation depending on their disability.

  9. Astrid
    25 August, 2010

    Very interesting post and interesting comments. On the subject of disabled women (and disabled men), it is rather controvesial whether they should use direct payment to pay for sex work, because it is somehow speculated that the govt will force sex workers to have sex with disabled people that way. I encountered a huge debate about this over at my own blog (without myself having a lot of knowledge of the subject).

  10. Amanda
    25 August, 2010

    We just let men think they’re paying us to go away. In truth, we charge them because we don’t want them to stay. We want to be able to leave/kick them out. The exchange of money enables us to do this while preserving their ego.


  11. david Miles
    25 August, 2010

    Thanks for that information Megan by political do you mean that the oppressive, patriarchal, miissle like phallic shape cannot enter her boudoir.
    This surprises me as i always thought she looked kind of butch. Must be careful i realise my comments are starting to be borderline homophobic.
    This is what happens when you have to review hate journalism. What with Joan Smith going bonkers in the independent, thank god for this site.
    On a more serious note Thanks to Douglas for highlighting the issue of disabled peoples rights with regards sex a taboo subject that needs discussion and a real achillies heel for the Feminazi.

    ps yes, Sina nothing wrong with a strap on not that i have ever used one.

    • Megan
      26 August, 2010

      Not even that – just that given how JB identifies as a lesbian for “political” reasons (as opposed to reasons like, say, actually being attracted to women) coupled with the way she characterizes sex in general as dirty, I highly doubt that she’s having a lot of sex with anybody.

      • Megan
        26 August, 2010

        Or in other words, I get the impression that her saying that she’s a lesbian has more to do with her dislike of men and sex than it does with her being attracted to women.

  12. GerryB
    26 August, 2010

    ““Do you really believe that “men really don’t pay for the sex but rather for a sex worker to go away.”? ”

    I used this “idea” to emphasise that most commercial sexual encounters between men and sex workers either male or female, is a much more blunt interaction in which a service is paid for.”

    Thanks for the elaboration; I did understand the idea behind your statement, and that it’s a fiscal arrangement. But it was your inherent assumption of some kind of hiding, or shame / embarassment, that caught my attention. The ‘paying to go away’ and ‘blunt interaction’ is an interesting way of framing it, especially when it’s compared with the faux-long-termism of women “who expect the pretence of a relationship as part of the package they purchase.” Which is also fiscal and (relatively) short lived.

    Off-topic I realise, but how far do people think any ingrained embarassment extends in this physical transactiopn?

  13. FFFF
    27 August, 2010

    PS: Men expect the same amount of faux-relationship women do with paid companionship. I’ve rarely met a male client who merely wanted sex and nothing else. They all want to pretend there’s more emotion going on than there really is (problem is when they buy into the fantasy). That’s why the “girlfriend experience” is such a popular idea for clients the world over.


  14. Douglas Fox
    27 August, 2010

    Most men pay for sex because they want something that is uncomplicated. That is not to say that they do not want all the smells, bells and candles LOL during the appointment but what they “mostly” do not want is texts or phone calls afterwards.
    When I give advice to others coming into this work I always warn them that clients give you their number in confidence and expect total discretion. Unless they initiate or give permission then you must never contact a client between appointments.
    This is one of the reasons why so many men use agencies. They do not want escorts contacting them directly.

    Many women buying sex also want this anonymity but I think from my observations while on holiday etc that women, unlike men encourage flirtation before and after an appointment which does make the dynamics of the encounter very different.
    I really do think that there must be more research into women buying sex because it is much more subtle and discreet and has its own peculiar set of rules.
    To be honest the more that I become aware of women buying sex the more I wonder if it is not more common than men buying sex. The fact that it is not in your face, ie no boys in windows in Amsterdam makes it a much harder target for the anti sex brigade to focus on so easily.

  15. Maxine Doogan
    28 August, 2010

    yes I get paid to go away, otherwise I’d never leave until I got my hands on everything.

  16. Douglas Fox
    29 August, 2010

    I admit that over 11 years there have been times when I have been tempted to pay the client to go away…..somehow, however I have always managed to resist such peculiar urges:-)

  17. LL
    5 September, 2010

    This was a very difficult article for me to read. My blog explains everything I have been through in the past year doing this. I’m not your “typical” female client. I’m only 30 and definitely not wealthy. I do explain in my blog to some degree how I was able to hire a male companion. Maybe the “arrangement” was a little less honest according to you, but it definitely wasn’t for me. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control.

    • Douglas Fox
      5 September, 2010

      Hi I would love to read your blog but you did not leave a link.

      Everyone has a particular motivation, reason and experience of either selling or buying sex whither it is a man or woman.

  18. Pingback: WOMEN DO BUY SEX | escorts are for women too

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